Friday Update #6

My focus is gradually coming back. It’s a fickle beast, swayed not only my deficiency in certain neurotransmitters, but seemingly by the weather itself. Medications can only do so much, I suppose. No garden picture this week, but things are still gradually growing and we’ve had enough alternating sun and rain that everything is staying watered and getting good growing light.

The Dollmaster

I’m back to work on revising chapter 4! I made some good progress Monday. If only I could do that well EVERY day.


I’ve been stuck for awhile on figuring out how to do infoboxes in a wiki, but I’m starting to understand now. I wish I could outsource the work to someone else, but I’m afraid it’s only me. This week I’ve been doing some research and adding extensions for the wiki. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to use them and satisfy my organizational needs.

Friday Update #5

I got a little bit of work done, but my focus has been pretty bad this week. I didn’t sleep well last night and I’ve been stressed about my son as he becomes more and more teenager. Five more days until he’s officially a teen. We had a sunny weekend, followed by some good rain, so my plants are happy. So far I can really only harvest lettuce, but I can’t wait for tomatoes and strawberries and fresh herbs!


I wrapped up a scene about Lianora. It’s been so long since I wrote about her that I’m discovering her all over again. She may be interesting–I can see readers disliking her at first glance from an outside perspective, but from her own perspective, she certainly shows a lot of complexity and room for growth. Her tense relationship with Thalia came up and may play a role in her development, even if Thalia is nowhere around.

The Dollmaster

I got back to work on revising chapter four, exploring Talen’s upbringing and setting his stage. I didn’t get as much done as I wanted. Focus has been such a rarity this week.

And I oop…

I accidentally went on a tangent this morning, starting with a thought about sex to past trauma and the toxicity of narcissists. So here, my thoughts.

I was feeling warm and fuzzy feelings this morning after being intimate with my partner last night, and I thought, “Wow, it’s great that I feel so good every time we have sex.” Then I realized that’s what it SHOULD be like.

It was an obligation, a chore, a necessity for peace regardless of what I wanted with my ex. And then there were the psychological gymnastics I had to perform to keep him happy. Even if I wanted sex, even if I physically got pleasure from it, there was this rift between us–he didn’t really care if I enjoyed it, he enjoyed the power he had over my body, the way it felt for him. That was all that mattered to him. I’m still haunted by the way he looked at me when he feigned affection while performing foreplay or anything that would bring only me pleasure. It hid the absolute boredom he was feeling.

The toxicity of narcissists leaves deep wounds. They’re black holes that will suck you in and twist you into service to their egos before you even knew what happened. All they need is a foot in the door–playing the part of what you want, saying the things you want to hear. Sometimes they’re indistinguishable to the untrained eye, and they rarely seek out victims with an intention of malignancy. They’re looking for you to validate the person they want to be because they are terrified of the person they might actually be.

The hallmark of a narcissist is the unwillingness to be introspective. They build a wall of projections against the subconscious knowledge of who they are, they exist in an internal reality of cognitive dissonance. They don’t begin as monsters though. Underneath that facade is someone broken or damaged, but instead of addressing that injury, they cover it up. Some convert that damage to a victim complex, luring in caring individuals to pity them and try to fix them. Others hide it behind vibrant plumage of wealth or beauty or perceived intellect, weaseling their way to positions of influence to lure in others with the promise of being just as rich or smart or beautiful as them (but you’ll never reach their splendor, they must remain on top).

Which brings me to what’s most surreal about narcissists. Their reactions to those who break their spell or reject their power. If you see through their facade, you can clearly see how broken they are underneath. This is how you know that on some level, they are self aware. When you reject them, they will project all the things they refuse to consciously acknowledge about themselves onto you. Because deep down, they know what they hate about themselves, but they can’t admit it. Instead, they hurl all those things at you, as though they are exorcising their own self-loathing, and for a time, they’ll feel vindicated because the problem was you, not them. They get to deny their damage for a little while longer, safe in knowing that it’s yours now. But it will always come back because it never left. It was only ever their own.

Friday Update #4

I’m starting to get myself back together and finding new methods to cope with my restlessness. I hope everyone else is doing well and staying healthy!

I’ve made progress on my gardening and I think I have everything planted that I want to grow. I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to handle squashes, but I do have some sprouting and it’ll be good to have fresh zucchini on hand again.

My set-up (mostly) finished this week. Lots of companion planting!


I didn’t finish Camp NaNoWriMo satisfactorily, as expected, but I have made a little more progress on the story since. I haven’t switched back over to working on Dollmaster. I’d like to wrap up a scene or two first. I’ve had some real moments of good flow writing fresh material from Zharis’s and Lianora’s perspectives. I am having trouble reworking the original role-play, but after that, I’ll be less constrained.

Other Writing

Yesterday I started work on a personal essay on emotional regulation and ADHD. For the last week or so, I was mulling over my understanding of the topic as it pertains to my experience, and as things really started to crystallize, I figured that I should just get it all out and share my experience with the emotional disregulation piece of ADHD.

EKD Archive

There were some issues with the EKD forum that had to be addressed. Firstly, Dreamhost upgraded all sites to a new version of PHP, but the old forum had been manually set to an older version when I transferred because of some issues setting it up. Secondly, when the old domain expired, I realized I had never fixed the MySQL hostname. With the PHP issue, I decided to just go ahead and update the forum to the latest 3.2 phpBB version, as I had with the Aserra forum. Had to manually fix the hostname in the config file, but everything is up to date. The old style is gone, but oh well. What matters is that the archive is still there.

Friday Update #3

Aaaand things crashed back down again. I think I discovered my limit to isolation (with family) is six weeks. After that, I start wanting to burst out of my skin for a change. At least that’s what happened. I just got hit with so much restlessness that nothing but a change in pace could fix. We couldn’t go anywhere, so I ended up just working out some of my frustrations gardening, and then talking to an old friend over the phone. It worked, for now, but I expect I’m going to be feeling the urge to flee again soon.


I finished out NaNo with just under 5k words, which is better than I’ve ever done, but not as much as I would have liked. I’ve been struggling to get my focus back this week after breaking. I’m also a little stuck on how to work in satisfactory introductions for our major characters, but I’m most of the way there.

The Dollmaster

With Camp NaNo done, I expect to return to working on the next scene in my chapter four revision, but I would also like to wrap up the current scene in Vagabonds first.

Here’s hoping that May is a little less bumpy for me than April.